I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
