the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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