So drunk its hurt
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize