I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
