he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
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