I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
