She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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