i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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