i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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