I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
