tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
