I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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