im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
