Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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