The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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