Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize