Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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