shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
