toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have already put on my inside pants.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize