Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
farters have to be the big spoon...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
