I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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