She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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