someone get that fucking seahorse.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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