i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
