I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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