Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
