can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
