I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
