I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
