Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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