It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
