i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
