there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
