I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My underwear smells like fireworks.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
