is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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