You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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