even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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