I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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