i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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