yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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