well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I intend to get homeless drunk
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
