you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
