I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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