i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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