The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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