I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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