John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
