Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
