I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
