There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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