Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
