just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
