Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
