Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
