WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
me + whiskey = a bad person
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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