The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
