I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize