Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
