I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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