Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
