in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
this just has baby written all over it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
