dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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