We got so high we made milksteak
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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